July 6

It has been a long time since my last post. Lots of different thoughts and feelings over the past week or so. It has been both smooth and rough. 

Work has been pretty tough. My focus and motivation are very low right now. My therapist says that is very expected. Everything I’ve read seems to concur that this is normal. ChatGPT says this is nervous system dysregulation. That sounds like how I feel. 

I think it’s important to look back. 

I spent years, literally years, feeling somewhat stressed out around C. [editors note: I already feel guilt and the need to stick up for her. That’s not needed here]. Her anxiety and depression was at times a dark cloud in my life. I would come over excited to see her, then feel that pang of stress when I realized she was in a bad spot. 

My gut was in some degree of a knot most of the time. 

Car rides to the mall were stressful. I just felt uneasy so often. 

I think I have basically contorted myself, my life, to fit around what I perceived as an uncomfortable situation. 

I slept on a futon for years. Just to get sleep. But also to get some space. 

The relief I would feel when she was out of Town or staying at Breanne’s. It sometimes felt like a vacation. And when I was out of town for work or at my mom’s? So peaceful. 

[Again cue guilt. That is not helpful. She can be both a wonderful person and not good for me]. 

Even last night. I had the house to myself for the evening, but then the girls came back after 2:00pm. Not the end of the world, but certainly some degree of disruption. The fact they were drunk wasn’t an issue. But it does remind me of other times where I was up super late on weekdays wondering where the fuck she was. If she was ok. If she was turning into her mom. 

How is it that I managed to put up a boundary to never share a room with drunk Tyler, yet I stay in a relationship where drunken mania was routine? I got so mad at Ty in Hollywood for getting shitfaced and putting everyone out that I punched him. Granted, that was not cool - Ty is a sweet guy with some issues with alcohol. But that was one night and I lost it. 

How did I put up with C’s binge drinking for so long? 

I spent a lot of time being mad and not saying anything. 

I then started to be passive aggressive. 

I then stopped wanting to be around her at all when she was drunk. 

Drunk C made me want to run away. 

Drunk C made me mad. Why did she have to make herself something I felt uncomfortable around? Why did she make my home base an insecure place?

It just felt selfish. Like she didn’t care how I felt. That might not be true. But it is how it made me feel. 

I mean for fucks sake, I have a demanding career. I need to be rested and healthy. This party lifestyle ran me into the fucking ground. 

I’ve been a god damn zombie for a lot of the last many years. How can I enjoy life if I’m just a zombie all the time? 

No energy to seek fun. Just trying to seek rest, but not getting it. 

I am scared of how lonely I will feel when she leaves. And when my little Gigi leaves. Thats gonna hit like a Peterbilt. 

But holy shit, I might start sleeping. I might start feeling less stressed, less worried about how someone else’s emotional weather system will steamroll my life. 

I will truly be in my own fortress of solitude. A place to make my own. To recharge. To live my life. 

I could go on a trip and not worry about her getting shitfaced and ruining my time. I can do whatever I want. 

I’ve been feeling the sadness creep in again. Cried a few times last night. It just feels so sad when I think of my best friend leaving, along with baby G. 

But holy moly. The way we want to live is so different. I don’t even know how I want to live, since I’ve just tried to mold myself to her for so long. 

Jesus I have to read that Attached book. I shaped my life, my interests, my free time around her interests. 

I would get drunk sometimes to just go with the flow, to be less annoyed by the craziness taking over. But that isn’t really me. 

The pain is going to come. And it will be real. 

But with it comes hope for a more peaceful life. One that fits better. 

Staying in this relationship felt like the right thing to do but it was wrong. 

I resented her. 

I internally described my relationship as “bad.”

That isn’t fair to her. I became distant and passive aggressive because I wasn’t happy. 

I love her very much. I want her to be happy. I also want me to be happy. These don’t go together. 

She is a strong, accomplished professional woman who can make her own decisions. 

She fucked around with another guy. She needed that because I wasn’t giving it to her. 

The fact that I didn’t get upset was surprising. But it sure was telling. I had no illusions that we were in a physical relationship. If anything, I was jealous that I didn’t get some action, just to feel something. 

I remember being pissed off that KM hooked up with German guy seconds after breaking up with me. Very different breakup. 

I likely still need to process that breakup. Maybe this 12 year relationship was actually some kind of desperate recovery. Trying to fix who I was since I wasn’t enough for my previous relationship. Shit. Maybe somewhat, but only in the beginning. Still, likely work to do here. 

Overall, I feel in a holding pattern. Waiting to be super sad. Feeling in a bit of a fog. Intermittent lack of focus. Some days I can work. Other days, good fucking luck. 

Afraid of the rough road ahead. But the road is going somewhere better.