Who am I?

Holy shit. Yesterday was an incredible day.  It was the deadline for her to sign a  lease on a new place  this was the fork in the road. The night before, we had a dinner out and some very deep conversation. It felt really great. My sister in law’s visit made us feel like our connection was better than ever. We talked about possibly giving it all another try. We talked late into the night. I said I wanted to give it one last try.  But that wasn’t how I felt.  That was the fear I’ve let guide me over the past decade talking. That was me being too afraid to admit I’m not happy. That was me protecting her when she wasn’t asking for it, or even needing it.  I woke up with a clear head and felt tightness in my chest.  All morning I wanted to talk to her, to see what she was thinking. I wanted to say I thought we should still separate, but was afraid to bring it up.  We talked. She felt exactly the same.  Waterfall of happy tears. Relief. Optimism....

This is a dramatic title.  She may be signing the lease on a new apartment today. This makes me feel so many things.  I feel sick.  I feel so much guilt for my part in this separation. Her being on her own will make her life so much harder. So much more expensive.  All I want to do is say everything is fine, stay, don’t go. We have built a safe and happy life. You deserve things to be easy now after the super hard life you’ve lived. It’s my fault you are not happy, that I’m not happy, that this isn’t working.  But how am I helping her by keeping her in this relationship? She felt so alone for so long. I’ve been so disconnected from her, unable to be present in this relationship. Holding on to so much festering annoyance, giving off judgment and being just a shadow in a house she lives in. It is not fair to her to be trapped with someone who isn’t fully awake in this relationship.  She felt so alone she had to get out. She had to take comfort in someone else...

Today is hard.  I’m afraid of losing so much of who I am as a result of this impending separation. Which is scary, since I feel like I’ve lost myself in this relationship. I honestly don’t know myself anymore, and that is scary.  I will miss her so much. She is my best friend, the best I’ve ever had. I also miss whoever I am.  This all sucks so fucking much.  But.  This is a real opportunity to heal. To discover what might bring me joy, meaning, happiness. It can’t just be about living to support someone else. Especially if they never asked you to do that.  I’m just waiting to take that first step on a long and scary journey. The waiting is brutal.  I’m really going to miss her.  Cue the fucking tears.